BREAKING NEWS: With Kristi Noem fired, Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-OK) has been nominated to assume control of The Department Of Fucking Corey Lewandowski And Angrily Denying It, as of Monday morning.

Said Senator Mullin, "I mean, I don't normally swing that way, but as a patriot I pledge to waste your tax dollars by whatever means necessary, even if those duties entail laying the wood to any and all of President Donald J. Trump's male advisors, ambassadors, special envoys, or really anyone who wants a little piece of Oklahoma. And yeah, I'm speaking to you, Kushner."

The deeply unsettling image the 70% Human-Tupperware Miss Noem having taxpayer-funded Afternoon Delight with Corey "C-Lew" Lewandowski at a cruising altitude of 32,000 feet has already driven huge numbers of teenagers to declare themselves "Incels For Life". In response, Senator MerkMillions said, "Listen, my understanding is that the plane in question was purchased by DHS to rid our country of high-profile detainees, and while that never happened, since Former Director Noem simply appropriated it for use as a private booty-ride, much like Kash Patel's Emergency Olympics Shuttle, as the new director of DHS I intend to immediately put it to the use for which it was intended."

When asked by reporters what that intended use might be, Mullin grinned, gripped himself somewhere just south of Tulsa, and said, "Someone’s about to find out, and that ain't no joke," before leaving the podium in a wash of camera flashes and general gagging, "or my name isn't Waymul McMerkington".

An ebullient President Donald J. Trump (editor's note: "ebullient" is just a fancy Left Elite word for Mid Adderall Binge), tweeting 143 times between 1:43 and 2:15 am, addressed the issue on Truth Social with the following post:

"Senator Wirmway will TIRELESSLY work to Keep our Border Secure, Stop Migrant Crime, MurDERers, and other Criminals from illegally REPEATEDLY ENTERING our Country!!! And THEN ENTERING and slowly EXITING the BORDER. AGAIN AND AGAIN. RIGHT WHERE Texas and Oklahoma meet. ILLEGALLY! Senator M'BiffM'ark will END the Scourge of Drugs!!!! and, MAKE AMERICA ASSPLAY AGAIN. Wait, what? Anyhow, Senator FunkyBunch will make a spectacular Secretary of Homeland Security, and maybe ONE NIGHT The Wayner can swing by the part of the Lincoln Bedroom I haven't demolished yet and DEPORT Melania. While I watch. From behind The Millard Fillmore curtain. Thank YOU foR yoUr attention to this matter."

That TruthSocial post was later deleted.
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Meanwhile, Byron "Cuck" Noem, husband of Ex-Director Kristi Noem, had no comment when contacted by reporters, except to say that he also was considering a new directorial position as the head of the Biden Crime Family.

Nine FACTS, One LIE
Issue #42

1. I mean, yeah, I miss the shit out of her already, but for some reason I am not fully heartened by her dismissal, or her slow walk of shame back to the Painted Silicone Hills of South Dakota.

2. For one thing, this makes it easier to become distracted by, say, the closing of the Strait Of Hormuz, which, hilariously, Donald Trump seems to think ships can be escorted through by other ships, the buddy system magically making them both impervious to ship-exploding missiles (hello, $23 gas!), before putting Miss Noem in cuffs and arraigning her by 8am tomorrow.

3. Also, it gives us The Oklahoma Blockhead, Mr. Markwayne Mullin, as her replacement, a man so stupid that he once lost a game of Connect Four to the Roadrunner's anvil.

4. For instance, who could forget when Markwayne (I think he's sort of like "The Three Faces Of Eve" in that you never know if you're getting Mark, Wayne, or Markwayne) tried to fight Teamsters President Sean O'Brien on the Senate floor during a hearing, only to be stopped by Bernie Sanders repeatedly yelling "You're a United States Senator for god's sake, sit down!"

5. Hey, did you catch during yesterday's Noem Is An Embezzling Thief of YOUR Tax Dollars senate hearing, when it came out that Corey Lewandowski, who Noem has been banging on Your Tax Dollar Private Jet on the regular, sent her a text that Thom Tillis of North Carolina (suddenly has balls and a sense of ethics now that he's not running again) read aloud, asking about joining The Mile High Club in their private cabin, on a plane that was purchased with YOUR Tax Dollars for (really) high profile deportations!

6. Hey, you can't make this stuff up. Actually, you can, but I think the Skin Bracer slap we all require here is to realize we have entered into an America in which it is entirely unnecessary to make things up, because something already way more demented is already happening over the next non-fictional rise.

7. BTW, you can be forgiven for having forgotten who Corey "Punching Female Reporters Is Just Part Of The Job, Man" Lewandowski is, but yeah, he's the guy who Steve Bannon replaced to run Trump's 2016 campaign after Cor punched a female reporter.

8. When you've just been canned in favor by the booze-sweating and furiously sinister baggy-panted pork chop who is Steve Bannon, shouldn't you have the class to walk out naked into the Kalahari at dawn with a shovel and bury yourself for eternity?

9. Here's the problem: Republicans aren't even bothering to campaign for the Midterms anymore. Trump isn't out hitting the trail and selling endorsements as usual. Everyone knows they're going to get slaughtered and lose the house (I predict by 30 seats), and very possibly the senate. So they've moved to Plan B. Which is Bomb Iran, gerrymander more, pass more restrictive legislation, declare national emergencies, send ICE out on foraging raids, whip up the confusion and terror, have Comrade Tulsi appropriate Georgia ballots in the middle of the night, declare voting machines rigged, limit mail-in voting, and pour BILLIONS of Adelson Mercer Bezos Elon Altman money into attack ads, while Larry Ellison rigs the Tik Tok algorithm to portray JD Vance, through the latest most cutting-edge AI technology, as appearing slightly human. Or, hey, just cancel the elections entirely.

10. Peter Thiel assembled JD Vance of out a set of spit-coated Appalachian Legos, and now he's Vice President. That should frighten anyone not thrilled about the prospect of a gay, South African, Libertarian, Edgelord, Technocrat, Transhumanist billionaire being the string-puller behind the squat of stubble that wants to be our next president.

11. But back to Miss Nomenclature, who no doubt has a lucrative future as an auto-parts calendar model, or as the evil baby incubator on Amazon Prime's new "Handmaid's Tale II: Martial Law Boogaloo", but the question is, just how far is Pam Bondi's Justice Department prepared to go to investigate her obvious financial fraud and self-dealing, let alone double-homicide of certain Minneapolis citizens?

12. Only time will tell, but I have faith in Pambi to do exactly what Bill Barr did with his "immediate and thorough" investigation into the many ways in which it was painfully and abundantly clear that Jeffrey "8 malfunctioning cameras" Epstein did not, in fact, kill himself. Which is to say, get right on that!
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13. Meanwhile: Onward, friends!

Roman Soldiers would carve NFFNSNC into their shields. A rough translation from the high-school Latin class that I regularly skipped to smoke weed in the back parking lot in a 1971 Chevy Nova reveals that NFFNSNC is an acronym translating to: Non, Fui , Fui, Non Sum, Non Curo.
Which was the Roman way of letting soon-to-be-defeated (except Hannibal) uncivilized tribes in on the dudes with pointy spears marching in perfect formation's motto:
"I Was Not, I Was, I Am Not, I Do Not Care".

You gotta admit, that's about as baller a sentiment for a soldier as it gets.

Like, if you're a Saxon tribesman wearing a rotting bear-hide and waving a club with a rock strapped to the end using six feet of a previous enemy's achilles tendon, you're likely to start re-appraising the wisdom of berzerking across that river to get busy with NFFNSNC centurions.
Because not only is their motto saying, "I was not afraid before I was born, and I will remain unafraid after I die," it is also saying "I am a cog in a machine of violence, and a cog cares about itself even less than the violence of the machine that will exert itself without mercy regardless."
That's a turn around and walk away sentiment.

It is also one I am a big fan of, even as it applies to the mundane and non-violent actions of daily life.

I have no concrete political or spiritual identity, but I am a Stoic, which by definition means calling yourself a Stoic is ridiculous, but mainly means that the power and haircuts and leader-adulation and Italian suits and stacks of bitcoin are all as worthless now as they will be after you expire.

So, in the end, there is only the movement of the machine, and how we experience our individual Cog-dom, but, most importantly, the degree to which we, by our actions, improve or diminish the lives of all the cogs around us while we're still, very briefly, around.