the Deeper In A Sand Trapper edition

NF, One L
Issue #3

1. Hey, did you know that during the Triassic period, which was more or less 300 million years ago, the Carnian Pluvial Event went down? The CPE more or less ushered in the Jurassic of mediocre movie franchising, and thus the dinosaurs, mainly because massive Alaskan volcano eruptions completely changed the Earth’s ecosystem by causing it to rain for ONE MILLION YEARS STRAIGHT. So stop bitching.

2. Neurochemically, love is the precise delivery of an ideal mixture of the chemicals Serotonin and Norepinephrine, plus the same amount of Dopamine that by itself causes schizophrenia.

3. Every time Donald Trump shits himself playing golf, an angel gets its wings. Word from P. Gates Inc. is that heaven is now so overcrowded with the Newly Winged they’re sending less desirable angels to Supermax in El Salvador.

4. For 99.9% of humanity’s existence, not a single person on earth could read or write. Sure, eventually we came up with the Aqueducts and Penicillin and Democracy and The Wheel and WiFi and A Grudging Acknowledgement Of The Female Orgasm, but really, reading, which is to say the ability to create and inhabit alternate worlds and spend untold voyeuristic hours experiencing the thoughts and emotions of others via prose is the main reason that we are no longer merely apes. I mean, we are still just apes, and not that far divorced for Simian v Sapien, but as slick as Koko is with the hand gestures and snack-pleading, she will never read a single line of Samuel Butler’s “The Way of All Flesh” and therefore cannot ascend the literary creationist ladder, our greatest achievement.

5. Speaking of which, remember when the longest-serving pope in the history of popedom, Pius IX, held temporal powers over the Papal States on top of his duties as human conduit to God(s) as we understand them? Therefore, IX was more or less what Lindsey Graham suggested the other day, that Donald Trump should be considered a candidate for pope on top of his duties as Great Helmsman of America, which only Lindsey Graham could think is a fine idea, mainly because Lady G is a sycophant of such immeasurable purity that he now spends alternate weekends occupying a quaint villa on the shores of Donald Trump’s colon. By the way, Pius IX was also the one who codified the idea that animals have no soul and are therefore entirely under the dominion of man, and so it was not a sin to treat them any way a given man wished, either as protein, labor, random sociopathic cruelty, or target practice. Not to mention Haitian Kitty Burgers. Sure, you could say that was a long time ago and a lot of things have changed culturally and societally in the interim, but Pius IX served 100 years AFTER Tommy Jeff and Ben Franklin signed the constitution that our Constructionist Supreme Court still insists be followed to the letter, even though bacteria, the atom, the multiverse, and the Female Orgasm had yet to be invented, so what’s Pius IX’s excuse?

6. The French (me, ancestrally) call orgasms Le Petite Mort, which translates to “The Little Death”, which may be the greatest metaphor in the history of metaphors, going all the way back to the Carnian Pluvial Event.

7. Pete Hegseth, still Secretary of Defense.

8. I tried to read JD Vance’s fake hillbilly book when it came out in 2017 but, despite my OCD, couldn’t finish it. I guess because, although I’d never heard of and knew nothing about him, it felt very James Frey, which is to say, unconvincing in voice and attitude. I learned not long after that JD in reality grew up in a middle-class suburb outside Cincinnati, went to Yale, and had spent a few summers in Appalachia with his grandparents. Even then, the notion of casting yourself as The Voice of The Mountain Poor when you’d “summered” in Kentucky as a teenager made me laugh out loud. It’s sort of the same way that, although he did nothing but lose a lot of other people’s money as a Silicon Valley huckster bankrolled by Peter Theil, Vance still refers to himself as a Venture Capitalist. Hey, if I lose money betting the under on Knicks games every night, does that mean I’m a bookie?
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9. The title is a joke, all of the above is true.