the Hey, Mister, Leave That Cephalopod Octopoda Alone! edition

NF, One L
Issue #13

1. Even Schopenhauer (total hero), famous mainly for his brilliant discourses on the absurdist chaos of existence and the comedic theater of finding individual meaning in a collectively meaningless universe, was against animal cruelty. "Compassion for animals is intimately connected with goodness of character, and it may be confidently asserted that he who is cruel to living creatures cannot be a good man."

2. Which is why The Grifter has no pets except for the self-licking Lindsey Graham and that obedient lil’ stoat Marco Rubio, but as a matter of full disclosure I should admit there was a time when I thoroughly enjoyed tucking into plate after plate of pulpo (grilled octopus) tapas with a side of spicy Romesco sauce and a glass of pricey Tempranillo. No longer, my friends, no longer.

3. I haven't ingested octopus in ten years, which was part of a larger epiphany (be less of a tool whenever possible) that became a strict ban particularly difficult to follow while on trips to Italy, Spain, and Portugal, but is difficult no longer. At this point, it would feel both ethically and aesthetically (not to mention legally) more or less akin to mayonnaise-ing up a PoBoy with the tentacles of the pudgy neighbor child. In other words, wrong.
(I don't ingest mayonnaise either.)

4. Because the Octopus is a deeply intelligent, fascinating, clever, empathetic, talented, maze and puzzle solving, intuitive, evidence-hiding, tool-using, and perceptively lovely beast. So, not an appetizer.

5. There is a non-zero chance that Octopii are, in fact, a form of alien life.

6. Octopii have blue blood, three hearts, and one of their nine brains is donut shaped, the other eight mini-brains are called ganglia, and each of their eight arms has its own ganglion, allowing them to act independently of the central Boston Creme unit.

7. Even if you've made it this far, and are a regular reader of NF One L, you have far less impressive neural physiognomy than our octopus friends, and if you are not a regular reader of NF One L, your neural output is too negligible to even discuss.

8. Octopuses have more neurons than any invertebrate and more than most vertebrates, including Pete Hegseth. They also have the ability to recognize faces outside their own species, including human faces, and are known to sometimes take a dislike to certain staff at aquariums (read: incarcerative anachronisms) and shoot water at them every time they pass.

9. Most male octopuses have no external genitalia, instead after copulation leaving part of a sperm-filled arm inside the female, whereupon they swim away and die. In essence, the realization that you no longer serve an identifiable purpose and choose to remove yourself from the populace so that others of your species can live better lives is not only the essence of Schopenhauer, but an exemplary sacrifice. Being slathered in Romesco sauce, conversely, is not an exemplary sacrifice.

10. Octopii are generally gloomy and anti-social, a sure sign of intelligence, but some species do build little underwater communes/cities made from the shells of scallops they have recently fed upon. Which means they recycle, and also scallops, like JD Vance, are stupid, so no one cares. If I could find the right price on a handyman's special with a water view in Octopolis, I would almost certainly move there until the next election.

11. I love the headline below that dubs the female octopus "pesky" for attempting to free herself and live a fulfilling life. How about (I've since re-dubbed her Valerie Solanas) "brave" or "justice-seeking" or "hilarious" or "brilliant"? How about applauding the redress Valerie Solanas seeks by vandalizing the Santa Monica Aquarium Offices? (on Twitter Karoline Leavitt just called Valerie a member of Antifa, and also Marxist).

12. So can I adopt this beautiful young lady, by which I mean set Valerie loose on the local Tesla Dealership, and then return her to the ocean beneath Golden Gate Bridge with a few tears, a fond farewell, and a plate of scallop tapas?
​
Any thoughts on how to make this happen are welcome.
Also, don't eat octopus.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.