March 06th, 2026

BREAKING NEWS: With Kristi Noem fired, Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-OK) has been nominated to assume control of The Department Of Fucking Corey Lewandowski And Angrily Denying It, as of Monday morning.

Said Senator Mullin, "I mean, I don't normally swing that way, but as a patriot I pledge to waste your tax dollars by whatever means necessary, even if those duties entail laying the wood to any and all of President Donald J. Trump's male advisors, ambassadors, special envoys, or really anyone who wants a little piece of Oklahoma. And yeah, I'm speaking to you, Kushner."

The deeply unsettling image the 70% Human-Tupperware Miss Noem having taxpayer-funded Afternoon Delight with Corey "C-Lew" Lewandowski at a cruising altitude of 32,000 feet has already driven huge numbers of teenagers to declare themselves "Incels For Life". In response, Senator MerkMillions said, "Listen, my understanding is that the plane in question was purchased by DHS to rid our country of high-profile detainees, and while that never happened, since Former Director Noem simply appropriated it for use as a private booty-ride, much like Kash Patel's Emergency Olympics Shuttle, as the new director of DHS I intend to immediately put it to the use for which it was intended."

When asked by reporters what that intended use might be, Mullin grinned, gripped himself somewhere just south of Tulsa, and said, "Someone’s about to find out, and that ain't no joke," before leaving the podium in a wash of camera flashes and general gagging, "or my name isn't Waymul McMerkington".

An ebullient President Donald J. Trump (editor's note: "ebullient" is just a fancy Left Elite word for Mid Adderall Binge), tweeting 143 times between 1:43 and 2:15 am, addressed the issue on Truth Social with the following post:

"Senator Wirmway will TIRELESSLY work to Keep our Border Secure, Stop Migrant Crime, MurDERers, and other Criminals from illegally REPEATEDLY ENTERING our Country!!! And THEN ENTERING and slowly EXITING the BORDER. AGAIN AND AGAIN. RIGHT WHERE Texas and Oklahoma meet. ILLEGALLY! Senator M'BiffM'ark will END the Scourge of Drugs!!!! and, MAKE AMERICA ASSPLAY AGAIN. Wait, what? Anyhow, Senator FunkyBunch will make a spectacular Secretary of Homeland Security, and maybe ONE NIGHT The Wayner can swing by the part of the Lincoln Bedroom I haven't demolished yet and DEPORT Melania. While I watch. From behind The Millard Fillmore curtain. Thank YOU foR yoUr attention to this matter."

That TruthSocial post was later deleted.
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Meanwhile, Byron "Cuck" Noem, husband of Ex-Director Kristi Noem, had no comment when contacted by reporters, except to say that he also was considering a new directorial position as the head of the Biden Crime Family.