National Guard To San Francisco!

“We don’t have enough cops, so if they can be cops, I’m all for it,” Benioff told The New York Times.

What Salesforce CEO Benioff, who looks like the player/coach of the 1972 Detroit Red Wings didn't tell the NYT, is that his Dreamforce 2025 Convention (buy nothing from them, ever) is next week, and so really, it's not so much about public safety, or the resurrection of San Francisco from the same bombed-out war-ravaged status as Portland/Dresden that he's selflessly insisting The Grifter address, it's 'cuz he doesn't want any potential buyers of worthless software mugged, panhandled, sold fentanyl, or dragged down to a drag show at Ginger's Trois (246 Kearney St.).

But what about three days later, when Dreamforce 2025 ends, and all the hungover/philandered attendees flock back to the airport, and the country's dreams dissipate with them?

"Whatever," Benioff said, doing a shot of Fetal Stem Cells & Red Bull brought to him by his lovely Vietnamese assistant, "We make it til Tuesday with no bad pub, the freaks can take over again with my blessing."

"Shouldn't a billionaire in a capitalist country whose very infrastructure allows him to accrue and then hoard such wealth, without being attacked by mobs of serfs with machetes, donate, say, 500 million of his own lucre to SF to hire more police, instead of siphoning off federal funds?" asked a slightly brown reporter, who was immediately maced, clubbed, and then tossed into an unmarked van.

When asked what should happen to the National Guard, after it had been illegally called out to the tune of sixteen million dollars per day, meanwhile trampling all over Posse Comitatus laws restricting the use of the US military against American citizens, the lawsuit and civil cases against which are even now being fought over in district courts in LA, DC, and Portland, simply to protect a bloated and unnecessary tech conference since virtually anything can be done over Zoom, Benioff lit a cigar with flaming bitcoin and said, "Those Guard losers can pick up trash, like usual. Hey, as long as the stock price bumps they can wing protestors in the legs with AR's like we did back in the old days!"
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As he stepped into his 8-door Tesla limo, Benioff was asked what the sales numbers of Salesforce might be when the country fully slides into Authoritarian Fascism, which at least in part is caused by a completely partisan militarization of certain cities as a precursor to a coming Martial Law, the fun-loving CEO with the best haircut since Vincent Price's pastry-challenged nephew Lenny Price tried out for the part of Van Helsing in "The Vampire Lestat", Benioff said, "People seem to forget that Mussolini was good for business. I mean, sure, he had some lousy ideas, but the pasta markets he opened in Ethiopia alone were worth a fortune!"