The Christmas Edition

​Nine Christmas FACTS, One Christmas LIE
Issue # 33

1. You know whose back I have? Vibraphonist Chuck Redd's.

2. You know whose back I don't have? Anyone using the stocking stuffers of tortured logic, pleonasm, sophistry, intellectual dishonesty, platitude, fallaciousness, specious reasoning, casuistry, fudging, equivocation, propagandistic onanism, or just plain deliberate obtuseness to pretend that adding Donald J. Trump's name to the John F. Kennedy Center is anything but pure, unadulterated fuckery.

3. The JFK center is a congressionally-appointed memorial specific to John F. Kennedy.

4. Memorials are not subject to renaming at egotistical whim. It is why, for instance, we do not have the Gerald Ford Lincoln Memorial, the Joe Biden Washington Monument, the Sarah Palin East Wing Palindrome, the Lindsey Graham Hustler Bucket, or the Barack & Michele Obama Vietnam War Memorial & Fried Clam Stand.

5. Firing the entire longterm and supposedly partisan Kennedy Center board, replacing it with partisan toadies, and then having the toadies rename the building after sixty-two years of being singly-named, in a spasm of feet licking unseen since Nero's penchant for hourly feet licking, without congressional approval, is the move not of an autocrat, but a diktator.

6. It's worth remembering that Nero, the wheezing, greasy, corpulent, oddly-haired, trust fund (Caligula was his uncle) piglet who became Emperor in not entirely dissimilar circumstances as Donald J. Trump, was fond of non-consensual behavior with the young.

7. Much like the Ancient Rome Jeffrey Epstein funded by the Ancient Rome Les Wexner, Sextus Afranius Burrus provided Nero with a steady stream of young boy slaves, most famously Sporus, his favorite.

8. Nero loved the boy slave almost as much as Donald J. Trump loves the Kennedy Center with Donald J. Trump's name painted on the side. So much so, in fact, that in a very Mike Johnson-type moment, Nero castrated Sporus and then married him.

9. Really. Give it a Goog if you don't believe me. Anyhow, isn't it amazing that the tale of Sporus isn't a much beloved Johnny Mathis holiday number? Sort of along the lines of "I Saw Daddy Kissing Pre-Teen Suzy Clause", which could be played by Chuck Redd at the TrumKennpeddy Center in a packed Christmas Eve Concert?

10. You know, just a quick word about the War On Christmas: Jesus wasn't born on December 25th until the emperor Constantine declared it so, in an effort to unify imperial control of monotheism under Sol Invictus, or the formerly pagan solstice holiday, so it's totally made up, and is, in fact, not a divisive Left/Right issue in 2026, but a lever in the system of polytheistic Roman control.

11. Also, the hated and generalized "Holiday" phrase is really more Christian than Christmas, in that it is a specific holy day and not a manufactured autocratic tool, and the word was not secularized until well into the Industrial Revolution. Likewise, "Xmas" is also more Christian than "Christmas" in that the X comes from the Greek character for Christ in the Septuagint, or Greek bible, and was used because it was considered blasphemy to say "Christos" out loud. Which is to say that Xmas is a more orthodox and penitent phrase than Christmas, no matter what horseshit Greg Gutfeld wants to get you riled up with.

12. Anyway, spine-snappingly prostrate Kennedy Center sycophant Dick Grenell now wants to sue Chuck Redd for $1 million for canceling on the Kennedy Center Xmas bash that no one wanted to attend anyway, since ticket sales are now lower than they were during Covid. Really, give it a Goog. This is for obvious reasons that have nothing to do with Chuck Redd's excellent vibes chops, despite Grenell stating that "Any artist canceling their show at the Trump Kennedy Center over political differences isn’t courageous or principled—they are selfish, intolerant, and have failed to meet the basic duty of a public artist: to perform for all people."

13. Yes, exactly. Who ever heard of artists protesting repressive regimes? Or having opinions that rhyme? Or refusing to engage in Kremlin-like pretense over political differences, instead of using pipe bombs or staging the shooting of Charlie Kirk. What kind of selfish fool merely REFUSES TO ATTEND as a matter of conscience in the face of the unconscionable?

14. To be fair to the precisely-named Dick Grenell, when Kid Rock gamely held a fundraising concert for the Pete Buttigieg campaign instead of cancelling last second, because he knew as an artist it was his duty to "perform for all people, even when gay+political", we should have taken a lesson from his sacrifice. Or what about that time the highly principled ostrich-jerky magnate Mr. Ted Nugent wept as he played a stirring rendition of "Cat Scratch Fever" at Elizabeth Warren's birthday party, despite being mistakenly booked, because any REAL artist knows his duty is to the public first, regardless of personal ideology, and the show must go on.

15. Especially since, in the end, the Nugent gig went so well that afterward Warren had Ted castrated and then married him.

16. No word yet on if Senator Elizabeth Nugent-Warren is running in 2028, but whispers on the street say from now on she will deliver every Senate floor speech with Ted's balls floating in a mason jar of olive oil on the podium next to her.

17. Finally, congrats and Merry Xmas to Chuck Redd! I'd send $5 to the Chuck Redd/Angela Davis Freedom Fund, except that this insanely stupid, insipidly performative self-servery has already propelled Chuck Redd's last three CDs onto the Top 100. Dude pretty much now owns the ENTIRE vibes market on Spotify. He'll be fine.

18. Worth noting that John F. Kennedy was shot while in office, although I don't for a moment believe it was by Lee Harvey Oswald. Donald J. Trump was supposedly shot at by That Guy we never heard about again, the high velocity bullet grazing That Ear that has no injury or scar tissue as a result. John F. Kennedy wrote a best-selling book that he actually didn't write. Donald J. Trump wrote a best-selling book that he didn't actually write. John F. Kennedy was a serial philanderer. Donald J. Trump can't spell or define the word. JFK married the lovely and sophisticated Jacqueline Bouvier. Trump married former escort Melania. See all the connections? In the end, perhaps the Trump/Kennedy center will be its own requiem.

19. I had a killer xmas. Hope y'all did too. One of the best things about it was that we canceled our tickets to the Hanukah Eve Klezmer concert at the Kenny G/Bebe Netanyahu Center at the very last second, and no one is suing us.

20. My friends, this country is a script for a Netflix 12-episode series that no one will ever acquire, let alone produce, because although all the NetSuits can see it has endless comic potential, it's too absurd to buy, for even a second, as remotely plausible. We are not in a computer simulation, we are binge-living a season of a show too stupid to exist.