the It Was Good Noeming Ya edition

Nine FACTS, One LIE
Issue #42

1. I mean, yeah, I miss the shit out of her already, but for some reason I am not fully heartened by her dismissal, or her slow walk of shame back to the Painted Silicone Hills of South Dakota.

2. For one thing, this makes it easier to become distracted by, say, the closing of the Strait Of Hormuz, which, hilariously, Donald Trump seems to think ships can be escorted through by other ships, the buddy system magically making them both impervious to ship-exploding missiles (hello, $23 gas!), before putting Miss Noem in cuffs and arraigning her by 8am tomorrow.

3. Also, it gives us The Oklahoma Blockhead, Mr. Markwayne Mullin, as her replacement, a man so stupid that he once lost a game of Connect Four to the Roadrunner's anvil.

4. For instance, who could forget when Markwayne (I think he's sort of like "The Three Faces Of Eve" in that you never know if you're getting Mark, Wayne, or Markwayne) tried to fight Teamsters President Sean O'Brien on the Senate floor during a hearing, only to be stopped by Bernie Sanders repeatedly yelling "You're a United States Senator for god's sake, sit down!"

5. Hey, did you catch during yesterday's Noem Is An Embezzling Thief of YOUR Tax Dollars senate hearing, when it came out that Corey Lewandowski, who Noem has been banging on Your Tax Dollar Private Jet on the regular, sent her a text that Thom Tillis of North Carolina (suddenly has balls and a sense of ethics now that he's not running again) read aloud, asking about joining The Mile High Club in their private cabin, on a plane that was purchased with YOUR Tax Dollars for (really) high profile deportations!

6. Hey, you can't make this stuff up. Actually, you can, but I think the Skin Bracer slap we all require here is to realize we have entered into an America in which it is entirely unnecessary to make things up, because something already way more demented is already happening over the next non-fictional rise.

7. BTW, you can be forgiven for having forgotten who Corey "Punching Female Reporters Is Just Part Of The Job, Man" Lewandowski is, but yeah, he's the guy who Steve Bannon replaced to run Trump's 2016 campaign after Cor punched a female reporter.

8. When you've just been canned in favor by the booze-sweating and furiously sinister baggy-panted pork chop who is Steve Bannon, shouldn't you have the class to walk out naked into the Kalahari at dawn with a shovel and bury yourself for eternity?

9. Here's the problem: Republicans aren't even bothering to campaign for the Midterms anymore. Trump isn't out hitting the trail and selling endorsements as usual. Everyone knows they're going to get slaughtered and lose the house (I predict by 30 seats), and very possibly the senate. So they've moved to Plan B. Which is Bomb Iran, gerrymander more, pass more restrictive legislation, declare national emergencies, send ICE out on foraging raids, whip up the confusion and terror, have Comrade Tulsi appropriate Georgia ballots in the middle of the night, declare voting machines rigged, limit mail-in voting, and pour BILLIONS of Adelson Mercer Bezos Elon Altman money into attack ads, while Larry Ellison rigs the Tik Tok algorithm to portray JD Vance, through the latest most cutting-edge AI technology, as appearing slightly human. Or, hey, just cancel the elections entirely.

10. Peter Thiel assembled JD Vance of out a set of spit-coated Appalachian Legos, and now he's Vice President. That should frighten anyone not thrilled about the prospect of a gay, South African, Libertarian, Edgelord, Technocrat, Transhumanist billionaire being the string-puller behind the squat of stubble that wants to be our next president.

11. But back to Miss Nomenclature, who no doubt has a lucrative future as an auto-parts calendar model, or as the evil baby incubator on Amazon Prime's new "Handmaid's Tale II: Martial Law Boogaloo", but the question is, just how far is Pam Bondi's Justice Department prepared to go to investigate her obvious financial fraud and self-dealing, let alone double-homicide of certain Minneapolis citizens?

12. Only time will tell, but I have faith in Pambi to do exactly what Bill Barr did with his "immediate and thorough" investigation into the many ways in which it was painfully and abundantly clear that Jeffrey "8 malfunctioning cameras" Epstein did not, in fact, kill himself. Which is to say, get right on that!
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13. Meanwhile: Onward, friends!