the Just A Few Thoughts edition

​Nine FACTS, One LIE
Issue # 39

1. If the tiny pile of rubble that was once known as Epstein Island had to be renamed, shouldn't it from now on be called Kid Rock?

2. Given his evident organic/cognitive shortcomings, complete disregard for key, pitch, and harmony, willingness to ride a mildly catchy hook from 1998 for thirty years of dimwitted ignominy, and a total misunderstanding of contemporary politics, isn't it strange that Turning Point USA and/or Republicans in general are cool with Kid Rock being an obvious DEI hire?

3. It you told me what Chuck Foreman, Otis Sistrunk, Jack Lambert, Duane Thomas, Earl Campbell, Fred Dean, Bronko Nagurski, Ronnie Lott, Lawrence Taylor, and Johnny Unitas thought about yesterday's halftime show, I'd gladly listen. Otherwise, it's like discussing variations in the color of cement.

4. The only Super Bowl I've ever attended featured Coldplay at intermission, and I would have paid 5x as much if they sang in Hungarian as some sort of arty protest. I care more about a contestant guessing the cost of a box of detergent on today's Price Is Right than I do the political value of a Super Bowl halftime show.

5. The "NFL" is thirty-two very conservative billionaires plus a mob lawyer whose only language is ruthless capitalism, and Bad Bunny had more streams worldwide on Spotify last year than any other artist. The World Cup, comprised as it is of many Spanish-speaking countries, including Spain, has ten times the number of viewers as the Super Bowl. The NFL would hire a hologram of John Wayne Gacy singing "The Candy Colored Clown" for next year's game if they thought it would make them an additional five dollars a piece. Bleating along the entire political spectrum misses the point that the point is greed incarnate, and has no politics at all.

6. For the mildly confused patriots out there, Puerto Rico is part of the United States, also known as America. The Bunny speaks what he speaks, and if he thinks you should struggle a bit finishing that second trough of nachos in order to expand some linguistic horizons, I'm with him. Besides, I understood more words during his Reggaeton Exegesis than I did the last time I ordered Lard Crisps with a side of Lard at a Waffle House in Alabama. The end.

7. If you discard the 1% chance that Donald J. Trump did not know he was re-posting a meme of the Obamas as apes, or if it was the next video queued that means a lot of the content Donald J. Trump views is of the same slant as that meme regardless of a particular intentionality, or the fact that immediately blaming a staffer is SO EFFING Donald J. Trump, you still have to explain to me being OK with any president of any party spending one minute of his tenure as President Of The United States retweeting puerile horseshit late into the night instead of working to make all our lives better.

8. Isn't it interesting that if, as a somewhat childish response to the Obama/Apes thing, I photoshopped Donald J. Trump’s head onto the body of an obese/convicted felon/child rapist, I wouldn't have to shift a pixel since that describes every single picture of Donald J. Trump ever taken?

9. It’s likewise interesting that Evangelical Christians have such a hysterical fear of Woke Identity, when so much of modern Christianity has nothing to do with religion at all, or even Christ, and is really all about tribalist politics.

10. For instance, I would like for Erika Kirk, the world‘s most upbeat and opportunistic recent widow, to explain how the music of Kid Rock in any way relates to theology, family values, or Christian ideals, when it's obvious that simply because K-Rock plays golf with Donald J. Trump his behavior gets a pass, or is at least morally fluid.

11. In the end, Kid Rock is just a guy named Robert James Ritchie from Detroit who likes drugs, booze, and underage girls, and who has inexplicably managed to hammer out a career from that sort of weird pride that comes from being a dirty white boy and refusing to apologize for it.

12. So fair enough, but his music is also rudimentary trash rock-rap, therefore he’s stealing from two genres with primarily black roots and translating them for white truckstop crowds. In other words, the dude is pure irony, since that means he's the actually the Bad Bunny of the mayonnaise that comes on cineplex french fries, but just speaking in a less mellifluent tongue that most people also don't understand.

13. But, as a very publicly-forward Satanist myself, at least as it involves vinyl and OG Black Sabbath, I played Kid Rock‘s “Devil Without A Cause” backwards, and while it had little of the tang of sulfur or cloven-footed evil to it, when I played it forwards it just sounded like Kid Rock. Which was a bit disappointing. Although it did make my bust of Leonard of Limoges, the Patron Saint of Aging Dudes from Detroit who look like mustached lesbian ferrets in wallet chains and Jorts, explode.

14. Oh yeah.