the KashMan's On It edition

Nine FACTS, One LIE
Issue #28

​1. So this guy with two American flags mounted to the bed of his pickup drove it into a church near Flint and killed at least 4 people before dying in a firefight with police. Explosive devices were also found on site.

2. The man was a former US Marine who served in Iraq.

3. It happens that the place of worship's form of worship was the exaltation of Latter Day Saints.

4. So, a Mormon church. Just like the one that the shooter of Charlie Kirk attended in Utah, which is widely known to be as much of a hotbed of liberalism as Flint. No word yet from Kash Patel as to whether or not the shooter had a trans partner, or was part of The Radical Left, or if there was a mysterious note that was mysteriously destroyed, just like the one in Utah asserting these things, but that Kash Patel somehow got to read prior to its destruction, and also no word from the shooter's mom if he'd recently veered hard left in widely disseminated and unverified/unquestioned quotation marks.

5. With the usual deep display of empathy and a selfless attempt to knit a devastated community together, something he is both known and beloved for, Donald J. Trump said, “This appears to be yet another targeted attack on Christians in the United States of America."

6. Which, of course, implies that the shooter was part of a larger liberal (likely based in Portland) conspiracy to drive trucks into Mormon churches in order to hasten a Pagan Takeover of the Most Christian Nation on Earth.

7. Which seems both an unnecessary statement to make as a Leader Of People, as opposed to a Leader Of Specific People Who Pass Muster, and absurdly speculative, even if it were not manufactured out of whole and demented cloth. Just like every daily utterance of The Grifter. But to be fair, part of The Grifter's genius is to grift so endlessly and repeatedly that you become inured to it. Or are ground down by its plumbless stupidity, which is basically the same thing since we all just need go on with our live or start Doordashing vodka by the crate.

8. It appears to me, conjectured with the exact same amount of knowledge that the President of The United States himself is currently privy to, as just another act of gun violence by a white male in a pickup truck with American flags mounted to the bed, pointedly bearded and comically rotund, whose motive will likely be conflicted, convoluted, substance-addled and/or mentally compromised, with no clear or convincing final purpose.

9. Also, is it worth asking if Mormons are in fact Christian, Christian-adjacent, or Not Christian By Design, if only to discern how widespread the intent of this false-flag Fringe Left attack?

10. While Joseph Smith did receive his revelation through a bedsheet (hung from the ceiling) as delivered by the Angel Moroni in a boarding room in Upstate New York in 1823, and was subsequently notified by the Angel Moroni about the existence of Golden Plates detailing the history of the Lost Tribes Of Israel, who once roamed America freely and with semi-Christian intent, there is otherwise a fairly wide divergence in doctrine.

11. After the fourth visit from the Angel Moroni in his modest boardinghouse room, Smith located The Golden Plates, which were buried in stone box containing many other interesting artifacts. The plates were written in "Reformed Egyptian", which is a language that does not, or at least no longer, exists. Luckily the box also contained a Seer Stone which could be used to translate them. And although Joseph Smith was desperate to immediately show local clergy, police, scientists, and teachers his amazing and possibly world-changing discovery, the Angel Moroni insisted that no one but Smith use the stone. He reluctantly agreed, and once the plates were translated, Moroni reclaimed them. Location of The Golden Plates and/or their overall market value is currently unknown.

12. Smith's translation ended up becoming The Book Of Mormon, which is plagiaristically not that much different than The New Testament, with the exception that it granted Smith the right to marry many of the women who lived in the same modest Palmyra boarding house that he did, and also a slight variance in dogma claiming that Jesus would one day return to Jackson County, Missouri to found a New Jerusalem. It's strange that speakers/writers of Reformed Egyptian were able to name Jackson County, Missouri so specifically, given that the America as we know it, with various states, borders, capitals, and interstates upon which one could drive a pickup truck with American Flags mounted on the bed to, did not yet exist.

13. Also, a big part of Mormon doctrine is the existence of the planet Kolub (called Kobol in Battlestar Galactica), which is sort of like a celestial B&B that hovers near the Throne Of God, which is next to another planet called Oliblish, which exists beyond the reach of telescopes in the Metagalatic Center. During The End Times, it is foreseen that Earth itself will be plucked from the Milky Way by God and returned to its rightful place next to Kolub and Oliblish.

14. Here's a true fact: The Mormon Church, entirely untaxed, is the single largest private landowner in America. They hold paper on nearly 3% of Florida, which, interestingly, is slightly larger than their massive Utah holdings. Their investment arm, Ensign Peak, controls nearly $300 billion in wealth.

15. So the question we need to ask ourselves now is, exactly how many hours is it going to take for Kash Patel to discover, in a mysterious stone box buried in the toxic soil of Flint, the shooter's Antifa Uniform, Antifa Handbook, Antifa-Branded Suicide Notepad, and signed 8" X 10" glossy of Greta Thunberg?
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15. My money is on fifteen.