the We Cut Heads edition

NF, One L 
​issue FIFTEEN

​So here’s a real Barbershop Styleboard from 1976. Sort of fascinating how every single option looks like the Before not After pic. At first glance you’d figure scissors were nowhere near those craniums as yet, and even then, with a tip, dude’s aspirations were minimal.

1.  The TWINKIE D: Looks exactly like Dan White, who shot Harvey Milk. $6.99

2. CARLOS THE JACKEL’S YOUNGER BROTHER, DANNY JACKEL: “You WILL NOT rise from the beanbag chair until I return.” $22.50

3. The FARROAHK BULSARA: Pretty fantastic in that Mercury Foot-Wings severity sort of way, although would require just the right sexy/androgy Romulan jawline to pull off. $39.99

4. THE DEAD MAN'S HAND: Knows when to hold, zero clue when to fold. $1.99

5. THE FINGERTIP SNIFFER: Frequently sniffs fingertips. $5.00

6. THE BONUS ROUND: Wink Martindale’s forced insincerity neurologically spliced to Mel Kiper Jr.’s affinity for being dead wrong. $6.50

7. THE IRRITATED RHOMBUS: “Yeah, well, you’d be irritated too if you walked around Times Square like a mini, shoebox-headed Czech hitman for an hour.” $19.00

8. THE PHIL SPECTOR: “…And I Swear I Don’t Have A Gun, No, I Don’t Have A Gun…” Free.

9. YOUR COLLEGE ROOMMATE, THE OPEN MIC COMEDIAN: “Hey, are you coming to my open mic on Friday?” $44.75

10. THE TIBETAN MASTIFF: “Yeah, well, I placed second at Westminster for overall poise and balance.” $112.99

11. THE SUSPICIOUSLY LIGHT DIME BAG: “Is it just me, or is that a Double Rainbow?” $3.00

12. THE BILL WYMAN: “Didn’t even get canceled when I married me thirteen-year-old cousin, good job I’m the bloke in the Stones no one can remember the name of, innit?” $22.50

13. THE 1972 JULIAN ASSANGE: “Fine, yes, I am a Russian asset. Okay? Fine.” $66,000 in bitcoin.

14.. THE FRIENDLY DEFLOWERER: “No, the other van. Yeah, the one parked in the corner.” $12.00

15. THE TUCKER CARLSON’S BLOODLINE: “We have known everything about virtually everything for centuries.”
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16.. THE I WILL CUT YOUR BACK: “No, seriously, say that again and I’ll cut your back.” Free.